3AIB! and the City...

2-in-1 Special: A First and Last Date

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 13:49:21 -0400

Welcome back dearest readers. I’ve missed writing to you!

It was November of 2011 and I was on the first date I had been on in as long as I remember. While I sipped my warm Starbucks latte moved by the winds ruffling between the skyscraper buildings, I looked into the eyes of the man sitting next to me. And for the first time, in a very long time, a strange feeling crept up on me. Hope.

I technically had met Jay “online” through a social medium a couple of weeks before we went out on our first date. We had got to talking here and there and he said that he really admired the way I thought, and that I was “different” from other girls. At the time Jay and I had started talking, I had my guard up so high, it reached the sky. My last relationship had ended so terribly, I was in no condition to trust a creature of the male species again so soon. Against all odds and despite my annoyingly stubborn nature, Jay convinced me that we should go out on just one date, and if I didn’t enjoy it, then we could part ways. Given his shocking persistence, and after putting him through interrogation hell, I figured I had nothing to lose (Poor guy really got the crazy from me).

Jay and I agreed to have a casual first date at Starbucks just to chat and get to know one another. And contrary to some of the fancy first dates I had been on before, I really enjoyed the fact that we were keeping it casual and simple. I felt it took the pressure of wanting to impress the other person and act a certain way, and brought us closer to just being ourselves with each other. Which is exactly what happened on our date.

The evening was wonderful. We talked, we laughed, we cried (Okay, we didn’t cry, but we did talk about some pretty heavy stuff). Jay was slightly older than me and the maturity really showed on him, which I loved. I was pleasantly surprised that we were both equivalently able to open to up to each other with some pretty personal stuff that usually doesn’t get put on the table until a few weeks into a relationship. Some people say you shouldn’t reveal much at all during first dates, but I disagree. I believe in going with the flow and if it feels right, to talk about what you want.

Before I knew it, the date had gone from one hour to two to three. After our coffee, Jay recommended we go for a walk, which was definitely a first date first for me. When you’re used to cars and ACs and coffee shops, you almost forget to use your legs when you go out. I loved the gesture: So simple yet so different. We walked up and down a hundred times and finally just took a seat on the sidewalk on one of the busiest streets of our city. I remember telling Jay: “In all my years of living in this city, I don’t think I have even just sat on the sidewalk here.” In the hustle and bustle surrounding us, I felt our moment take a peaceful time out.

By the end of our date, it was clear that both Jay and I had a pretty great time and couldn’t wait until our second date. He walked me to my car, gave me a big hug and told me he couldn’t wait to see me again. That night, he sent me a sweet message making sure I had got home okay, and I went to bed feeling pretty good about our first date.

But a day later, things took a strange turn. While he was so sweet to me during our date and in the day after, he ended up changing just a few hours later and being cold and distant. Right, I didn’t know him all that well, but I could tell something was off. Jay had known I had my issues in the past with men and I had said something to him along the lines of don’t screw with me. Admittedly, it was a bit crazy of me to talk about something so heavy after just one date, but I wanted to make it clear that if he had intentions of messing around, he should just walk away. We talked about it again later and he ended up flipping out on me.

Suddenly, he made a decision that we weren’t a good fit for one another and we decided to part ways. His reasoning was vague, but I let it slide because he at least had the decency to split at the beginning and not drag me on and then drop me. Till this very day, I still don’t really know what went wrong or what happened, but I just found it so strange that two people could connect so well one day and then just end up on polar opposite ends the next. You’d think with all my previously odd experiences I would have learned my lesson to accept these things as “normal,” right? Wrong. Sometimes we just never learn.

It was December of 2012 and it had been over a year since I had been on a date. So you could imagine that when my ex-boyfriend, crazy as he was, asked to take me out on a date, I was absolutely delighted. You know what they say: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

More on that later.

Kisses and hugs,

DS

"She marveled at him admitting his admiration for her and wondered: "How am i going to break the news to him that i'm crazy?" i absolutely love that, and i think you're a wonderful writer.

Sat, 19 Jan 2013 13:58:03 -0500

Thank you so much, it really means a LOT to me!

The Breakup Manual

Sat, 24 Nov 2012 13:34:15 -0500

My dearest readers,

Welcome back - I have truly missed writing to you.

“Congratulations, you are now dumped!” Unfortunately, Hallmark makes no such card. In fact, Hallmark does not make a single card for breakups (No, I haven’t actually fact checked this, but I’m quite certain).

Breakups. Just the word itself is filled with so much doom and gloom, so much negativity and terrible memories, so much past pain. Not to mention of course that the act itself is never, ever pleasant for anyone. Sure, maybe one in every three hundred thousand people will have a clean break, but usually, it’s a story to be told in tears or pure uncomfortable awkwardness.

Having said that, is there really ever a pleasant way to break up with someone? The answer is…. No. There is never a nice way to break up with someone because usually, one person is left feeling devastated, hurt or lost. Even when two people mutually agree on a breakup, it is normal that they would afterwards feel a little lost having left someone they had been with for a certain period of time. So no, while there is no “nice” way to break up with someone to have them avoid feeling that way, there is most definitely a respectful way to break up with someone. There is a civil and courteous way to end any relationship with someone so they don’t end up feeling like a pile of rotting garbage. Most of the time though, people do not resort to the civil way. To avoid guilt, drama or unnecessary pain for themselves, people pick one out of a variety of ways to get it over with as quickly, and as easily, as humanly possible. Bur remember that your partner, no matter how long you were with them for or how good or bad your relationship was, is not an animal. The same way you demand, expect and give respect in a relationship, you should provide the same in a breakup.

So here it is folks, the list of dos and dont’s of breakups. This list isn’t fact, just a friendly recommendation from your friendly anonymous blogger.

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How To Not Break Up With Someone

1. Text/BBM/Twitter/any messaging medium.

Why not? Usually, people in relationships, especially long-term ones, do to some extent care about the person the person they’re in a relationship with. And even the most free of people will expect that their partner cares to some extent too. Sending someone a text message to end a relationship will not honor that caring for them. It pretty much sends the message: “You’re not even worth the time of a face-to-face breakup.”

2. Send a friend to break up on your behalf.

Why not? It’s simple, really. Your friend’s not dating the other person - you are. Don’t be a coward and do your boyfriend/girlfriend the courtesy of showing up yourself instead of a messenger.

3. Over the phone.

Why not? This is a step up from a text message, but the audio courtesy just doesn’t cut it quite enough. While it may be uncomfortable for you, it is likely that the other person will want some face-to-face justification and/or closure.

4. On any major occasion like birthdays, Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, pet’s death, etc.

Why not? It is likely that your partner will want to experience a moment of happiness (or sadness) during any of these types of events and dropping the break up bomb will obviously take a toll on that.

5. After doing something really sweet like giving them a present or planning a romantic evening.

Why not? Pulling a romantic gesture and then breaking up with someone may seem like putting them down easy but in reality, this only serves you. It frees you from your guilty conscience of feeling like a total douche knowing you’re planning a breakup just a few days away. Your partner will be completely confused and this could lead to a long period of insecurity.

6. In the middle of a stressful time.

Why not? If your partner is going through something difficult, breaking up with them will only push them over the edge. Breakups usually need time to process and it’s better to do it when your partner is relaxed. This is out of respect for the relationship you had with them and they are more likely to take it better in a calm state of mind. Pick your timing well.

7. With a cliche excuse, like “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I just need to spend time focusing on myself.”

Why not? These responses don’t give any sense of closure and are likely to keep your partner wondering for a long time afterwards. They are too generic, dry and cold. It’s up to you how honest you want to be with your reasons, but make it meaningful.

8. By acting like a complete jerk/bitch until your partner breaks up with you instead.

Why not? Of all the ways to break up with someone, this is the most cowardly. You may think this will make your ex’s life better because now they will hate you instead of missing you, but no, this just makes you a big ol’ douche.

9. In a moment of anger/sadness.

Why not? Most times, decisions made in an emotional state are not rational. Even if you do not end up regretting your decision to break up with the person, it is likely that the way you break up with them will be unpleasant and that is completely unnecessary.

10. When you have ten minutes to spare.

Why not? Give your partner the courtesy of the time to talk through it. It’s not a bathroom break.

11. By disappearing and assuming/hoping the other person will just get the point.

Why not? Do I seriously need to answer this one?

12. With a singing trio/telegram at the office or outside the house, like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=balLV6pEO90

Why not? No. Just…. no. (Although if you do, please e-mail me a video.)

How To Break Up With Someone

1. Give them the courtesy of doing it in person, explain yourself, be kind and compassionate, and dare I say, give them the space to come back and talk to you if they need more closure.

Why? Breakups can shape a person’s romantic future depending on how pleasant or unpleasant they are. They affect the way people see people of the opposite gender because we are likely to remember how a relationship ended more than how it began. More importantly, the time directly after a breakup is usually upsetting and stressful and letting someone go in a respectful, courteous manner is likely to make this period of time shorter, easier and calmer. Also, leaving the door open for future communication, as long as it is not excessive or obsessive, will make you an even more admirable person. While you do not “owe” your ex anything, relationships are not made in a court of law. They are a human connection between two people and even when your relationship ends, especially when it is a very long one, that connection may still be valid and strong. Your ex may need to clarify some things even after a long period of the break up and it’s just genuinely nice to offer them that.

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As always, remember my advice is not a rule. This is based on my own experiences and observations of others. You may have a better way of breaking up with someone and sometimes, you are forced to break up with people in unpleasant ways because they push you over the edge or don’t give you the chance to break up with them in a decent way (I broke up with my ex over BBM). Just remember that the more courteous and respectful you are, the likelier that your own, and your ex’s, experience will be better handled and remembered.

And if you do break up with someone through a singing telegram…. 3aibandthecity@gmail.com

Kisses and hugs,

Why Do We Hate Us?

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:22:07 -0400

If you haven’t read Mona El Tahawy’s “Why Do They Hate Us?” article in FP, I suggest you do so immediately. While the article gained a lot of criticism and support alike, I admired one thing about Mona’s article: It drew attention to a societal problem of gender imbalance long ignored and underrated.

Today I write you on a personal level. While Mona’s article addressed crucial women’s issues on a government and societal level, I address you on an individual level. Society is made up of individuals, and to expect change around us, it must begin with us first. Before we ask those around us how they are abusing us, we need to ask: Are we leading to our own downfall?

Before I write this, I should say that in no way, shape or form do I mean any offense with this piece. Nor am I directing it to anyone in particular. In fact, I say “we” and “us” to include myself as the first person I ask these questions to. I repeat: This article is not intended to sound condescending to anyone, and I apologize if it comes off like that.

There’s no doubt in my mind that women seem to be getting the bad end of the stick in our society. I would never deny that. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder if we bring it upon ourselves. In my last post, I wrote about types of women I see around me and whether they qualified as victims or bitches. And in this post, I’ll be talking about some of the steps we as women can take to create a better standard of living for ourselves that can hopefully be imitated and duplicated in our environment.

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Beauty Obsession:

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good ladies. It’s in our nature. But I look at some of the standards of beauty out there today and it’s frightening. If women aren’t selling their bodies, they’re ruining them. I can’t believe the things out there sold for and used by women that I see. Why do we need anti-aging creams? Who came up with the idea in the first place that women aren’t allowed to age, which mind you, is a completely biological process? The thought itself scares me to death - that a woman in her prime, in her twenties, starts coating her face and neck with mountains of exorbitantly expensive creams just to avoid wrinkles forty years down the line. It’s not only unnatural, but completely unnecessary. With today’s beautification processes of plucking, tweezing, waxing, bleaching, suctioning, plumping, powdering, drying, straightening, spraying, dying, squeezing, folding and only God knows what else, I’m surprised women have any of their real skin, hair and nails left. It’s a miracle! While I reiterate again that there’s nothing wrong with a woman attending to her beauty, there’s gotta be a line somewhere. Magazine and movie starts are photoshopped and airbrushed into oblivion. And to expect everyday women to look like that is not only absurdly ridiculous, but derogatory to women. If you don’t want to be treated like a Barbie doll, don’t spend every waking moment of your life trying to look like one (And PS, that’s a real thing - some woman actually spent piles of money to be surgically altered into the human Barbie - look it up).

Independence:

It’s a word that everyone seems to throw around so easily, but no one can really say what it stands for. Financial independence is a given, but more important is emotional independence.

Let me start with financial independence because it’s the easier one to tackle. Before you even think it, I know what you’re going to say. How can a woman raise children and work full-time? I’m not even going to talk about the many women I know who are doing both. Instead, I’ll talk about alternative options that you can work towards. The first and best option is to leverage your passion into a small-scale start-up business that you can run from the comfort of your own home. In today’s time, with the miracles of technology, it’s easier than ever. Like fashion? Get some materials, find a good tailor and run a business entirely on Facebook. Design, upload, send orders. Simple. Other options for out-of-home businesses are bakeries, freelance writing, translation, research and so on. If you’re able to leave the house, you can teach at a nursery or do administrative work. Better yet, find a good company that will let you work part-time or during morning hours. When your children are nursing, they need your undivided attention, yes. But after that, especially once they’ve gone to nurseries or schools, you should get back on track. And if you’re worried about the children being raised in a good environment, more and more studies every day are proving that when children come from a dual-income household, they are entitled to a higher quality of living. This way, you are also easing up the pressure on your husband to work longer hours or take out loans to meet a certain financial standard. The extra time he’ll have on his hands will allow him to spend more quality time with his children. The point is not how much money you make, it’s about having something to call your own. If not for self-fulfillment, then as a back-up plan in case you end up on your own. You may not end up being the CEO of your firm, because let’s face it - not everyone gets everything in the world - but you’ll always have you in the marriage, your family and society. And I cannot emphasize enough how important this is.

Now, on to emotional independence. Many people tend to assume that women are the weaker gender and incapable of standing on their own without a man. And yes, it is true that humans are born to love and be loved in their nature. I would never deny that. But there’s a difference between needing it to survive, and wanting it in your life. There is nothing wrong with the latter, but the former can be destructive. First, it makes you vulnerable, which gives the other person a chance to abuse you emotionally and uphold the power balance in your relationship. Second, it makes you desperate. It makes you settle for less than what you want or deserve, and makes you give in to your weakness of dependence on someone else. As someone who is financially independent and has been for years, I’ll tell you that it’s really, really easy. But emotional independence is tough and I struggle with it every single day. Let’s face it, from the moment we are born, we are bombarded with messages of love from the media, Hallmark cards and society. We are taught to believe that as women, our only purpose is to find a man and cling on to him for dear life. This puts an enormous amount of pressure on our time, energy and efforts on finding another, and not enough on finding ourselves. Not enough at all. But if you learn to find that emotional independence, you’ll always be true to yourself, even in a relationship. And in your romantic life, that is the most important strength of all. Emotional independence means being able to recognize that when someone is wrong for you, you have the strength to walk away. It means that you will not continue accepting men who are wrong for you only out of desperation. But it doesn’t happen overnight; it is a lifelong process.

Knowing your rights:

So you’ve got your independence, now what? You’re up against a challenge. Both with yourself and your society. And in order to succeed at both challenges, it’s important to know your rights and the tools at your disposal to help you stay strong. First, don’t let anyone deny you your right to choice. Freedom of choice doesn’t mean you go out and do whatever the hell you want without caring for the consequences. In fact, it is the opposite. It is knowing that with your choices come consequences that you are capable of acknowledging and handling. So what choices do you have? You have the choice to work. Don’t neglect your children of course to follow your career, but don’t neglect your career for your children either. You are entitled to the choice of both. If you are getting married, make sure you discuss this thoroughly and in boring details with your husband-to-be until you both figure out a solution that works. This is your right. Second, you have a choice to get married or stay single, and the right to choose the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Now, I’m not saying rebel against your family and throw them in the garbage if they refuse your man of choice. What I’m saying is that it is your right to insist on and fight for the person you want to be with. Don’t give up on the first no. And even more important, never ever ever marry someone you do not want to marry. It’s nice to do what your parents want, but it’s even better to save yourself, your potential husband and kids from a lifetime of misery. Saying no when it comes to marriage is a basic human right that no society, culture or religion can dispute. And it’s absolutely imperative that you uphold this right. If and when you do decide to get married, do it on your terms. Ladies, when you sign a marriage contract, you have the free hand right to dictate whatever terms of marriage you please. This includes the right to divorce and the right to leave him if he cheats on you or takes a second wife. It can also go down to the last detail of who gets the kids in case of a split and where you both would live. This is equivalent to a prenuptual agreement in Western cultures and it protects you in case you and your husband don’t agree down the line. I know it’s not a pleasant situation, and most Arab men would take it as a blow to their pride, but in our time, it is crucial. The last thing you want is to be stuck in a miserable, abusive marriage with no way out. I seriously cannot emphasize enough how important it is to know your marital and societal rights. Read, research and talk to people until you’re comfortable. And in your discussion with your husband-to-be, talk about everything. What are you going to do with your finances? How do you want to raise your kids? What kind of wedding do you want? And when you go back to your families, put your foot down. They may want an extravagant wedding of 500 guests, and you and your husband may want a small ceremony of twenty guests. Insist until you get your way because when it comes to a wedding, it is between you and your husband. No one else.

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This article is only scratching the surface of change. But the first pillar of change is always to change yourself first, then expect society to accept it. And l hope we can all find a little strength to do so.

Kisses and hugs,

Is there any other way to reach you other than the blog ?

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 17:04:22 -0400

Yes! You can e-mail me at 3aibandthecity@gmail.com anytime.

Women: Victims or Bitches?

Sat, 12 May 2012 11:49:00 -0400

My lovely readers, welcome back.

With every passing relationship of my own and of those around me, I always find myself wondering if I walked into my own downfall or if it was out of my control. Women are often made to look like helpless creatures in experiences, storytelling and the media, which begs the question: Do women really live in a male-dominated world or do we deserve what’s coming our way? Are we really victims or are we bitchier than Cruella de Ville?

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The Badboy Obsession

Typically “nice” guys will always say that women deserve what happens to them because they intentionally chase after jerks. They say that we find ourselves attracted to them and often shun out nice guys because they are too “boring.” Many women will admit to being obsessed with bad boys and I have personally caught myself saying many times: “Listen, just because he’s nice, it’s not a reason to be with him.” But despite my history of jerks and a-holes, I have never felt myself “seeking” out these guys. And I can’t imagine that any rational-minded woman would do so. It just happened to be my ill fortune. What I do think is our flaw here is that women tend to believe they can “change” these guys. And everyone knows that has as much a chance of happening as pigs flying. Yes, once in a while, a bad boy turns into prince charming for the woman he loves. But that is the exception and never the rule.

The Gold-Digger

Women are infamous for chasing after wallet size more than anything else. So much so that Kanye West felt the need to dedicate an entire track to gold-diggers. But in a culture where it is difficult for a woman to provide for herself, especially post-marriage and childbirth, can we really blame women for striving to establish financial security? And worse yet, what should a woman do should her marriage fall apart and she ends up divorced? If she’s never worked a day in her life because she was a dedicated housewife, is she at fault for trying to secure her future? While there are some women who can manage both a family and a career, it is a rare occurrence, especially considering that culturally, a woman’s obligation is to her children and a man’s obligation is to providing for them. The result is women who are left to raise kids on their own and men left to struggle with exhausting careers, with both worlds never overlapping or sharing responsibilities. And yes, while our generation does not suffer as heavily with these traditional clichés as our parents did, it is still very much prominent amongst many.

As for women like myself who are fiercely independent and immensely career-driven, who believe that familial and financial responsibilities should be shared equally, we are often labeled as “too Westernized,” and are told we will “never find an Arab man accepting of our nature.” And both these dynamics make me feel at times that whichever side of the spectrum you fall on, you’re losing.

The Hard to Get Card/ Classy Bitch

Women are taught to believe that in order to be desirable, they must play hard to get. If they do not play taunting, cunning games riddled with facades and dishonesty, then they are instantly considered easy and therefore, slutty. “Everyone knows that guys love a chase and you gotta give it to them.” As a result, women like myself, who don’t believe in games and believe in innocent honesty, are always made to feel like we are unworthy of male attention because we have not worked hard to earn it.

And on the flip side, women who play games are often called “bitchy, arrogant and self-centered.” People will often say: “Who does she think she is? Queen of the universe?” And even when those women play hard to get, they often find themselves wondering if a guy will eventually lose interest once she gives in with a phone number or a date after such a long time of his relentless chasing.

Other games that women infamously play are the good girl act or damsel in distress fiasco. I have heard many men complain about women that put on an innocent face on when they’ve got a past that would put even the man himself to shame. Or that they act like the victims in all their past relationships when in fact, it was all her fault for being with such a jerk and not knowing better. But on the flip side, many men will still expect their future wife to be an angel descended from the skies upon them.

Regardless, I have always stood true to my beliefs. No games, no pretending to be uninterested when I am. No letting the phone ring for days before I pick up and hang up abruptly with some lame excuse. I wear my heart on my sleeve and when I like someone, I have no shame in showing them. I have no secrets about my past and tend to be quite open with any dating prospect about it (I mean come on; I’ve got an entire blog on my dating past). While I often question and blame myself for being “too nice” and “too honest,” I continue believing that if I met a guy who wanted childish games, he wouldn’t be the one for me.

Disas-pectations

Women are often blamed for ridiculous demands and fairytale expectations rooted in fantasy as opposed to reality. But from the moment we are born, we are taught to believe that happy marriages are our only refuge, our only purpose, our ultimate goal. Everything we see on our T.V. screens and hear in the chatter around us reaffirms that prince charming does exist and that it is our ultimate struggle to find him and lock him down. Further, we are constantly reminded of the characteristics of this mirage, which include handsome, successful, smart, loving, caring, generous, respectful and loyal. When we are with a guy who does not fit these criteria, we are automatically reminded that he is “unfit” for marriage by our fellow girlfriends who blabber for an eternity about their perfect lovers and our social circles who dictate: “What kind of man would your father approve of?” Further, when we find aspirations in our lives outside of love and marriage, we are deemed unworthy by our society. Our accomplishments are entirely unacknowledged and we are shoved into a dark hole of women “who will never be married.” By default, a career woman who strives for and never fears success is blindly called a spinster.

The Bombshell Bimbo Barbie: Botox and Brains Not Included

Thanks to countless media images of blonde, airheaded women with big breasts running around with men fainting at every street corner at them, we now live in a world where stupidity and plastic is considered appealing. As a result, women are conforming to a ridiculous media standard of beauty filled with anorexic figures, plastered make-up, tattooed, implanted, botoxed, and liposuctioned everything. Such obsession with absurd standards of beauty pushed down our throats on the streets, in magazines and on T.V. makes me wonder at times if all the chemicals and toxins have sucked the brain capacity out of women. And should a woman not fit into these skinny photoshopped standards, she is considered disgustingly unworthy and unattractive in the eyes of everyone. Never mind if she has found the cure for cancer. If she is not “hot,” she is irrelevant in the workplace, in society and at home. Is it a surprise then that women pay so much attention to their looks? And how can the same men who desire these types of women turn around and criticize women for being made of too much plastic? For looking too fake?

Then there’s the nauseating level of stupidity in women. Giggles included, many women, who are exceptionally bright in their nature, will choose to play the bimbo card in the face of a man because “no man wants a woman who will outsmart him.” I will never forget the day that one of the women who I considered a role model looked at me and told me: “The smart wife is the one who makes her husband feel that she is stupid.” I was shocked. Here was this woman who had everything; a successful career, a youthful glow and an incredible family, conforming to the stereotypical stupidity expected of women. And if a woman were to vocalize her opinions and showoff her strength, she would be shunned for not comforting to the stereotypical Stepford wife. I have lost count of the number of times I was told I would never find a husband because I was “too smart” or “too career-driven.” Because of course, “no man wants a woman who is more successful than him.”

I know this makes me sounds a little crazy, a little bitter and a little too feministic, but here goes my rant. Men will say that they want a smart woman by their side who is full of confidence in her “natural beauty,” but will instantly reject a woman who doesn’t look like she stepped out of a magazine cover and holds only the words “Yes, dear” in her dictionary. And they say we don’t know what we want.

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Now this is not to say that there aren’t some women out there who are the devil in disguise and deserve every bit of ill-fate headed their way. Nor is it to advocate that women are victims. This column piece only intends to put forth some of the everyday considerations, questions and struggles that women face. And I myself don’t even have half the answers yet.

Kisses and hugs,

Girlfriends Are Not For Sharing

Sat, 05 May 2012 12:21:56 -0400

My lovely readers, welcome back.

When I look back at my dating experiences, I often find myself questioning whether the things that have happened to me happen to everyone else or just me. It begs the question: Am I crazy living in a normal world or am I normal living in a world full of corrupted freaks? And to be honest, I’d rather be crazy because I could never bring myself to accept some of the things that happen around me.

Take TF for example. I have blogged earlier about how rocky our relationship was and every incident that happened with him was another sign to me that this was just not the guy for me. And what happened in today’s story was one of my final straws. I had reached the point where I had just had it with him and this was the cherry on top.

TF lived in a different city than me, which meant that not only did I barely get a chance to see him, but also that I never really got around to meeting his best friends. In particular, I had really wanted to meet Maz, who was TF’s childhood friend and the closest person he had ever known. I had spoken to him on the phone, added him on Facebook, but never got around to meeting him. So one night when Maz made the trip down to my city without TF, we decided to finally meet. It was TF’s idea and I was quite excited to meet the person he was always going on about.

That Friday night, I had a couple of events lined up with a big group of my friends. First, a restaurant opening, then a little dancing, then a music event. Since Maz and I both had our nights planned out, we decided to go with the flow and see where and when we could meet. But throughout the night, we kept missing each other. Every time either of us left a place, it made it harder for us to meet because of the locations and distances setting us apart from where we both were. And since most of the venues we hit that night were quite noisy, we decided to text each other back and forth instead.

As the hours of the evening then the night went by, I realized that it was just not going to happen. It was too complicated and we were both with too many people to try and coordinate a meeting point. I decided that we would just meet another time, but with every passing message between us, Maz grew more and more persistent to meet me. I thought we could just meet for coffee and breakfast in the morning before he headed out since he was only staying for one night, but he seemed to insist that we had to meet that night.

I went along with it for a little while longer, but I already knew that it wasn’t an option for us to meet tonight. Until out of the blue, Maz dropped a bomb on me so huge I almost fell in my place reading his message. “Why don’t you come spend the night at my hotel room? I’ve got two beds and breakfast for you in the morning ;)”.

Oh. My. God. I couldn’t believe my eyes reading the message on my phone. Was he seriously inviting me to spend the night with him? On what planet is this kind of behavior acceptable? And what would his lifelong best friend, my boyfriend, think if he knew that he invited me? Even worse, was he actually expecting me to show up?! I just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea and instantly grew with a feeling that combined hurt with anger. I was disgusted and disrespected by his suggestion, I was upset that he didn’t seem to care for his friend or my relationship with him, but most of all I was deeply offended. What kind of girl did he take me for? On top of that all, I just couldn’t understand what he was doing. He had never even met me and he was expecting me to be his one-night stand?

I politely declined and of course didn’t go see him in the morning. In fact, I never did meet him. But the next morning I woke up and re-read all his messages again. I was trying to find any excuse for his behavior but I found nothing. I even tried to see if in any way I suggested I would be interested in anything except for meeting the guy my boyfriend considered to be his brother, but nothing. Then I began wondering if TF had portrayed me to his friends in a less than favorable way that would lead Maz to believe I was that kind of girl. Or maybe he was just scum, which made me wonder what kind of friends TF associated himself with. I wondered for a long time with no answers, but I remained disturbed.

I contemplated for a few days whether or not I should tell TF what happened. Now, normally, I’m the type of girl that would create a huge stinking fuss about this kind of thing. I find it absolutely unacceptable and would never let it go. But I thought a lot about it and decided that this time, I wouldn’t tell TF. In my heart, I knew I was on the verge of breaking up with him and decided it wasn’t worth ruining his friendship with someone who was so close to him. I figured, we’re going to break up soon anyway, he might as well keep his filthy friend. If he’s known him for so many years, what are the chances he doesn’t know what he’s really like? Very slim.

I eventually did tell TF though. I mentioned in my earlier post about TF that after we had officially broken up the first time around, we had many, many relapses. We would talk, get back together briefly and it would be a matter of a few days before he would do something to screw it up and drive me crazy all over again. We would break up and I’d swear it would be the last of him but sure enough a few months later, he would somehow manage to creep back into my life.

When I finally worked up enough courage to tell him, my biggest fear came true: He did absolutely nothing about it. And I think that secretly that’s why I hesitated to tell him in the first place. Though I knew we were going to break up, I had already been in a lot of pain and anger. I didn’t want to add to it that I had told him that his best friend was hitting on me and that he wouldn’t do anything about it. So in that momentary relapse with TF, I told him and in just a matter of a few days, we had split again and I never found out what happened with him and Maz or if he even confronted him about it. He claimed to have been upset over it and was angry that I never told him earlier.

Later on in another relapse moment with TF, he told me that him and Maz had gone their separate ways and were no longer friends. When I asked him why, he said that it was a lot of things that happened between them, one of them being what he had done to me. But somehow, even though it was what I had initially wanted, it just wasn’t enough.

Kisses and hugs,

I like reading your blog; you inspired me to start my own. Though, you probably have more exciting stories to tell while mine are mostly about me asking my parents for something and they refuse.

Sat, 05 May 2012 12:09:57 -0400

LOL thank you so much, I appreciate your kind words. And I definitely think you should write, irrespective of topic of choice and even if no one reads it. Writing is for expression of what’s inside you, nothing more, nothing less. Go for it!

Work First, Play Later? No, Thanks.

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 13:24:33 -0400

My dearest readers, welcome back.

I feel like women have always got to be on guard wherever they go. Yes, maybe it’s a little dramatic, but we’ve got this fear inside of us that every man is after “one thing” and we’ve got to keep an eye out lest we be called “too naïve” when something bad happens.

I’ve talked about sexual harassment before in a public setting. Today’s story is about the same thing, but in a work setting. There’s a common misconception that in order to get ahead in the workplace, women must utilize their, how can I put this nicely… “Skills.” But for any sane-minded woman, the notion of that is not only absurd, but insulting. I for one have never applied this and hope that for the entirety of my career, I never do.

So just how can a lady react if she’s subjected to harassment in the workplace? Yelling, insulting or giving death stares is not exactly a valid option in the office. She can of course politely tell the guy off, but what can she do if the guy she’s telling off is in a senior position to her? She could also go to HR, but let’s be realistic - our corporate HR departments are not the savviest in the world and equipped to deal with harassment in the workplace.

I’ve had three experiences at work that I can recall - two quite minor and one major. In the first, I would once in a while meet with a supplier, who didn’t work at our company, to discuss projects here and there. I always sensed an undertone of flirtation in his ways, but it was always masked by “niceness” or “general conversation,” so I never really had any hard proof to hold anything against him. The thing is though with us ladies - it’s like we’ve got an internal radar for these things. Just an ounce of creep in our presence and “Beep, beep, beep” goes our antenna.

One day as I walked into our office, I saw him walking out from inside. Just as soon as he saw me, he said: “Oh my God, you smell absolutely amazing. What is that?!” “Davidoff Cool Water,” I replied, knowing for fact that he was now flirting. “Wow, I love it, it’s so incredible.” After long greetings and mindless blabber (this guy really didn’t know how to shut up), he finally left after successfully giving me the creeps. A few days later, my phone rang and on the other line, I hear him saying: “You know, right after I saw you that day I went to Paris Gallery to get testers of that perfume because I just had to smell it again. From now on actually, I’m just going to call you Davidoff.” I felt my stomach turn as I thought: “Gross. What a douche.” Luckily, I brushed it off and didn’t really let it get to me.

In my second workplace incident, I worked once in a while with a much older man from another department. My workplace at the time was primarily men, so I had actually gotten quite used to being around them. For the most part, it was never a problem, but this guy really got under my skin. Once again, my creep radar went blaring in my ears and something about him just made me sit on edge. He was married with children, but I felt like he was just that kind of guy that couldn’t be trusted. And sure enough, it was only a matter of time before I caught him staring directly at my boobs while talking to me. Mind you, we’re at work. Mind you more, he’s maybe 20 years older than me. I saw it happen again and again, which made me wonder if maybe he thought I was blind. I didn’t really know what to do about it, so once again, I let it go. Eventually, he found another job and left our company, which I was deeply thankful for.

And for my grand finale, situation number three: Mani. This one leaped at me out of the dark blindness because I really never expected it. Mani was one of the new guys at our company who not only worked in a different department, but a different branch altogether. He would come by the head office once in a while and was friends with some of the people there. But all in all, in three months, I saw him maybe a total of three times, and spoke no more than three words to him. One time I saw him waiting outside the office for a taxi, so I offered him a ride out of pure colleague decency. He respectfully declined and that was it. So believe me when I tell you, Mani and I literally knew nothing about each other.

On a random Saturday morning, I woke up to a text message on my phone that said: “Hi DS, it’s Mani. I was thinking I’d like to get to know you and that we should be friends.” As I rubbed my eyes rereading the message all I could think of was: “Who’s Mani? I only know one person by this name and they don’t even live here. The other Mani I know is the new guy at work and surely this can’t be him!” I put my confusion to rest and messaged saying: “Mani who?” He replied: “Mani from your company :)”

I stared shockingly down at my phone. I couldn’t get over the fact that someone who literally knows not more than my name thinks he can just pick up the phone and decide that “we should be friends.” It’s not so much that I mind what he said, it was more about his approach. If he had come up to me at work and asked me to hang out with fellow coworkers I would’ve gone in a heartbeat. But this was just creepy. I don’t even know from who, or how, he got my number because let’s face it, he knows zero about me. He could’ve gotten it from my e-mail signature, yes, but that is the definition of creepy. Think about it for a second: He doesn’t know me, he goes through I don’t know what, pulls up my phone number and decides, “we should be friends.” Creep alert.

I spent the rest of the day looking like the BlackBerry Messenger open-mouthed emoticon. I didn’t respond to Mani’s message because I really didn’t know what to say. He then brilliantly decided that instead of waiting for me to respond, he would call me. Not once. Not twice. But an eternal number of times. I didn’t pick up his calls. I didn’t respond to his messages. Somehow between this morning and afternoon, he had also decided on our behalf that we were estranged lovers.

As the day rolled by, every call or message I’d get would shock me even more. Just what did he think he was doing?! Finally, a message likened to one from a remorseful ex said: “DS, are you mad at me? Did I do something to upset you?” I was tempted to say: “If you consider blowing up someone’s phone all day upsetting, then yes. And also, you’re a potential stalker,” but my judgment got the better of me.

Realizing that there was no nice way to end this and for the sake of our work diplomacy, I decided to respond to him. “No Mani, I’m not upset, but I just don’t think it’s appropriate to contact me outside of work” (or something along those lines). Finally, he got the point and never responded, thank God.

Since then, every time I’ve seen Mani, I’ve worn my fakest smile and said hello nicely and yes, it’s been awkward as hell, every time. I wish he had enough sense to realize that work relationships are almost always a disastrous idea, and that if he wanted one, there was a decent way to approach me about it. Many of my friends said that maybe he was just shy about it, but I still turn in my vote as creepy, even if just slightly.

So yes ladies, workplace harassment happens and it sucks. It’s a disturbing situation for us girls and sometimes it’s hard to do something about it. But you’ve got options and you should know and practice them. First, if it’s not something severe, talk to the person and nicely warn them that if it happens again, you’ll go to HR. If it doesn’t stop then go to HR. And if it still doesn’t stop, or in the case of severe harassment, like anything physical, feel free to summon all your angry energy and issue the World’s Best Slap upon their face. One that would leave your fingerprints on their face. One that would make me proud.

Kisses and hugs,

DS

How old are you? ;)

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 16:06:51 -0400

24 :)

It's Not Me, It's You. No, Really - Part 4

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 16:01:38 -0400

I spent the next four days after the break up with Charles in a very bittersweet state of mind. I still couldn’t believe it was over in that way, but somehow I was calm. Later I came to recognize this stage as denial. But at the time, I was at peace. Scary peace.

It didn’t last for long. Less than a week after we broke up, one of Charles’s “friends” messaged me on Facebook, despite the fact that me and her never really spoke before. Charles had told me that she used to like him when we were together and before we met, so I knew she wanted to burn me. In one sentence, she said: “Hey! How are you? I just wanted to know did you hear about Charles and Rose? And how do you feel about it?” I didn’t give her the satisfaction she wanted, told her we broke up and he was free to do as he pleased. But inside, I was boiling with rage. My denial was over.

I spent those few days so upset over losing Charles and wondering how two people who were “so perfect for one another” couldn’t be together. But after this happened, I was suddenly slapped with reality. And it was harsh. Charles was not perfect. Charles left me for another woman. Charles threw me in the trash without caring for anything I had ever done or sympathy for my feelings. Charles was an asshole.

I picked up my phone and texted Charles. I knew he was traveling so I said: “Call me when you’re back. I need to talk to you.” And sure enough, the next day around 10:00 p.m., my phone rang.

Despite being a person with a wild temper and every inch of my existence shaking with anger, hurt and longing, I spoke to Charles in a calm, cool, collected voice. I was amazed at myself. After a series of formalities, I said: “Charles, when we were together, I did everything I could in my ability to make you happy. I never gave you trouble, I never picked fights with you, I never dumped my problems on you. Even when I found out what happened with Rose, I told you I forgave you and I let it go. But I don’t need to be hearing about it from your friends.” At first, Charles got defensive. He said that we were broken up so he could do whatever he wanted. I responded to him saying: “I’m not talking about you dating someone else. Do as you please. I’m talking about your friends rubbing it in my face. Don’t you think I’ve been through enough?” Charles gave in when he realized how much pain I was in and how I really had done nothing wrong to him. The guilt overcame him. He apologized over and over and begged me to tell him who the person that told me was. But I refused. I honestly didn’t care if he went and yelled at them. It wouldn’t have taken back what had happened. The damage was already done. So he persisted. But I still refused.

“Charles, it doesn’t matter who told me. It’s been said and no amount of you yelling at them will change the pain you put me through. All I’m asking is that you make sure your friends leave me alone. My friends wanted to talk to you after our break up and tell you what a big mistake you’ve made, but I wouldn’t let them. I expect the same courtesy of you. I did my part and deleted all your friends, every single one of them, from my Facebook. I’m talking to you now to tell you that this time I let go. This time, I was nice. Next time, I won’t let it go.”

I could hear Charles’s voice breaking on the other side of the line. But I stood solid. I didn’t want to give him a hint of weakness on top of what he had already put me through. All I heard on the line was apologetic explanations filled with sorry’s and rationalization of: “Rose is not my girlfriend, we’re not dating.” But I didn’t care. It was all background noise to me. To my surprise, Charles then asked to see me and I refused. He went on and on telling me that he wanted to give me back my things. Fed up, I finally said to him: “What part of this conversation makes you think I ever want to see you or speak to you again? Keep the things. Throw them in the trash. Burn them. I don’t care. I can’t believe that after everything we’ve been through you’d think I care about some insignificant items.” He kept persisting and I told him to call one of my friends to pick it up from him. He still didn’t listen and claimed he “had a present for me” he wanted to give me himself. Finally, just to shut him up, I said, “fine, we’ll see.” I never did get around to seeing him though.

It was the last time I ever heard Charles’s voice. I spent almost two years after our break up in torture. The strange this is, I didn’t miss him. I couldn’t even remember what he looked or sounded or smelled like. I would squeeze my brain trying to remember anything about him but save a few flashbacks, it was all a blur. What killed me was the strike of reality, of how evil people could be. I couldn’t stomach the fact I had let my guard down and trusted him, and he just threw me away in an instant. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again - Relationships are not a business contract. Just because you break up with someone, doesn’t mean you don’t owe them basic human decency. And it killed me that he thought he could do that and just walk away. Some people would think I sound like a bitter ex. But in reality, I’m a believer in human morality and honesty. I didn’t mind that Charles stopped having feelings for me because I think that’s normal and it happens. I was upset that I gave him a chance to walk away and he didn’t take it. I was upset that he believed that by lying to me, he was making me feel better. I was upset that being the one who didn’t walk away, I was sitting here tortured while he had already moved on. And most of all, I thought it was absolutely inhumane to cheat on someone, or whatever it is he wanted to call it. It was my first experience of cheating and being stepped all over and I was crushed.

One day, three months after our break up, I mustered up enough rage and pain and sat myself down in front of my computer screen. I typed him up a dissertation of a Facebook message with words so harsh it would melt stone to fluid. I asked him not to bother responding and naturally, he never did. Maybe he felt guilty. Maybe he didn’t give a shit and didn’t bother reading past the second sentence. Or maybe he was just a coward.

I thought sending him an angry message would alleviate my pain. But it never did. In fact, nothing did. Friends tried to console me and I even tried dating other guys. But nothing worked. The harsh reality of what happened with Charles was this: Nothing ever could or ever will relieve a woman of her pain of being left for someone else. I don’t know if it’s the same for men, not because I am sexist, but because I am not a man so I don’t know. What I do know is that when a woman is left for another, she spends an eternity blaming herself for something that wasn’t her fault. And it will always make her feel like she is not good enough for anyone else because in that situation, a part of her femininity is stolen and can never be given back. In my eyes, it is the single worst feeling a woman can have. And I spent forever drowning in that torture, stalking his pictures on Facebook, feeling like I wasn’t even half the woman she was. I found her beautiful and because I had known her in person, she was perfect in my eyes. Every passing thought of her drowned me worse in my own low confidence. And I don’t think I will ever recover from that.

I learned to co-exist with my pain after a few months and to my surprise, one night, I got a message on my phone. I was getting ready to go out on a first date with a guy I met a few days before and I looked down at my BlackBerry Messenger to see a message from Pixie. “DS, please, please, please don’t be mad. Charles gave me all your old things.” My heart sank all over again. It had been seven months after we had broken up and here he was returning my things long after I had told him I didn’t want them. I don’t know if he felt guilty having all those reminders around him. Or if he had just forgotten for so long. Or maybe he was trying to reach out to me. Whatever it was, I didn’t care. It was then I decided that Charles was mentally deranged.

I went to Pixie’s place to pick up the huge box of things I had given him throughout our relationship. As I looked through the contents, every item broke my heart just a little more with a flood of memories. Some of the things were mine, like blankets and pillows I had given him when his friends crashed at his house, and some of the other things were gifts. Very personal, thoughtful gifts that had no place in my possession. And some of the stuff was just plain weird. Like gum and chocolate I had given him a billion years back. On the spot as I stood staring into the box and feeling like crap that our seven-month relationship had been reduced to a box, I gave away some of the valuable things, took some of my personal stuff and drove home. Right outside my house, I lifted the box over my head with most of the things still inside and tossed it in the trash, where Charles and the memory of him belonged. In a moment of rage, I texted Charles saying: “You had no right to return those things. They were gifts and gifts are not meant to be returned. Don’t you think you’ve caused me enough pain? Anyway, since you insist on being this way, all your things will be on your doorstep tonight.” But I never did return the things he got me. I gave them away. And that was the last time Charles ever heard from me.

It has been two years and one month since Charles and I broke up. And despite telling me that I was the girl of his dreams and that he was leaving me because he didn’t want a commitment, him and Rose are still together till this day. The moment I found out about them, I prepared myself for the possibility that one day they would get married. And I don’t know if they will, but what I do know is that with the end of Charles, came the death of my fantasies of magical love and breathtaking weddings.

Kisses and hugs,

It's Not Me, It's You. No, Really - Part 3

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 16:18:00 -0400

I woke up the next morning after my break up with Charles and an unsettling feeling fostered in my heart throughout the day. Something felt wrong. I wondered: “Who breaks up with someone after seven months that way? A hug and just ‘have a nice life?!’ This makes no sense.” The puzzle was missing a piece and neither my heart, nor my mind, would give up without finding it.

By the early evening on Monday, I had already missed him and couldn’t get him off my mind. I texted him a heartfelt message, which he reciprocated. But that wasn’t good enough for me. I wanted my closure. I asked Charles if I could see him just one last time and promised I wouldn’t bother him ever again after that. I’m the type of girl who has way too much dignity to go after someone who doesn’t want me. For me, when it’s over - that’s it. But there were just some things I wanted to get off my chest and that would be it.

On Tuesday, less than forty eight hours after our break up, I met up with Charles. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t the type of girl that would walk away if my man was going through a difficult time. I wanted to tell him that if he wanted space or time, I was ready to give it to him. I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me and if it was support he wanted, he’d have it. That’s what I wanted to say. But that’s not what I said.

When I saw Charles, I decided I would tell him about what happened with Rose on Wednesday, just one week before this exact moment. I thought I’d tell him that and when he would naturally dismiss her behavior as weird, I’d go on with what I wanted to say. Like a child who speaks with a heart full of naivete, I told Charles in full innocence and lack of suspicion. You see, just a few weeks before this night I made a joke to Charles about him cheating on me and he reacted furiously. He told me: “Don’t ever joke about cheating, I would never ever cheat on you. You know why? Because it has happened to me and I’d NEVER do it to anyone else.” So that night, I said to him: “I thought I’d just let you know what happened just so you know this random girl is going around calling you her boyfriend.” His jaw dropped and his face flipped in a matter of a second. I stared solemnly at him and said: “What’s wrong?” He said: “Rose and I have history.”

“What history? I met you three months after you moved here,” I uttered as I felt my heart shred to a million pieces. Charles spoke and every word he said stabbed my heart deeper. I couldn’t grasp what he was saying because he couldn’t articulate his thoughts logically. It was something like: “I met her first, but she didn’t like me, then I met you, and then she liked me, and then I fell in love with you, but then I liked her, but then I didn’t wanna leave you, but I had to choose between you both, and I chose her, but she’s not my girlfriend,” and so on. It was a slur of incoherent thoughts being thrown at me, each carrying a world of pain. He then tried convincing me that we weren’t exclusive, but I snapped at him in rage and said: “Don’t give me that title technicality bullshit. We were exclusive and you know that.” He shut up. I was right.

Without thought, the next words that came out of my mouth were: “Did anything happen with you two while we were together?” Charles looked at me and said: “I kissed her.” I asked: “When? How? I was with you almost every day. When I traveled for three days? When?” He wouldn’t answer me. I persisted. Finally, with words full of guilt, he looked up at me and said: “Yesterday.” No words will ever describe how crushed I was. More incoherent babble came out of Charles’s mouth, some of which included that he kissed her because he was “trying to forget about me.” I was so stupid that I believed him for half a second, and said to him that if he had slipped and made a mistake, I would be willing to overlook it and give us another shot. God, I was so stupid.

My mind was spinning out of control with questions and curiosity but my heart froze in its pain. I couldn’t believe that less than one day after we broke up, he was already with another girl. I didn’t believe him either that nothing happened with them while we were together, because relationships don’t develop in less than 24 hours. There was more to the story that he wouldn’t tell me. I pushed hard to find out, but he wouldn’t speak. I talked for a while and I accused him of cheating on me. I told him that if he was thinking about another girl while he was with me, even if “nothing happened”, it was emotional cheating. As for “not doing anything with her” until we broke up, I told him it was bullshit. In technicality, yes, he was broken up with me. But relationships aren’t a business contract, you still owe your ex some form of decency, especially less than a day later.

I went on and on that night about how upset I was. “How could you?” was the question stuck on repeat in my mind. I told Charles that I never gave him a reason to cheat or to look for something elsewhere. I was good to him, never caused him trouble and made his life Heaven on Earth. I reminded him of all of this and he listened in silence, his face quivering with guilt. I told him that it was even worse that I gave him a chance to walk away two weeks earlier and he refused. He didn’t need to let it go to this, but he did. He could have just walked away when I gave him the chance. I ended up telling him everything I had initially wanted to say to him, adding that everything he had said to me two days before was officially a cold-hearted lie. That our entire relationship as of now, was a lie. I was burning with pain and I wanted Charles to see just how bad it was, so I forced myself to cry. I’m the type of girl who rarely ever cries but when I do, it melts even the coldest of all stones in heartbreak. And I made sure Charles saw that. He tried to calm me down but I cried even harder out of spite. There were no more words to be said.

In my bittersweet confusion and pain, I told Charles that I forgave him for what he did. I couldn’t be mad at him despite how badly I wanted to. I wish I could have been strong enough to slap him and walk off, but I didn’t. With tears in my eyes and sorrow in my heart, I fell deep into his arms instead. I got my closure from him that night, feeling somewhat grateful that I would not end up with an asshole like him who held the capacity to hurt me that way. I would miss him deeply but I would be at comfort knowing I was better off without him, that I dodged a bullet. In fact, I pitied him for the situation he got himself into. He would now have to live with himself, but I got to walk away knowing I had not wronged or hurt anyone.

I left that night at peace, closing the book on Charles for good. But to my surprise, just four days later, the pages were rewritten to open the book again. And this time around, all hell would break loose.

Kisses and hugs,

It's Not Me, It's You. No, Really - Part 2

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:59:00 -0500

I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I met up with Charles in the evening that night as agreed and I had spent the entire day with my heart lodged in the depth of my throat. The thing is with instinct is you just know something is coming your way. I like saying that instinct is a God-granted compass to human beings that guides us through our ways in the face of the unknown. And that night, I knew Charles was going to end our relationship, despite the lack of precedent to give him reason to do so.

I saw Charles that night with a pounding heart and a trembling voice. It wasn’t the inevitable break up that shook me (remember, just three weeks prior I had suggested to him that we break up) but it was the fact that I couldn’t imagine what his reason would be. When I told him we should end our picture-perfect beautiful relationship because we wanted different things, he panicked, refused and closed the subject as impossible. So why was I sitting here with a Starbucks latte in my hand across from that same guy waiting for him to end it?

Charles spoke and I listened. But I didn’t understand a word he was saying. He looked like someone who was in deep pain and incapable of finding enough words to express it. We had been together for seven months and for the first time in our relationship, he looked at me and said: “I love you.” It was the first time I had heard a guy who wasn’t a friend say those three words to me and my heart sank as I gave him a broken smile. I was filled with joy and buried with pain because I was looking at my perfect man for the last time. He was everything I wanted and now he was letting me go.

In the spew of incoherent speech he was giving, I looked at him and said: “I don’t understand. Are you breaking up with me?” I was confused beyond reason. I suggested we go elsewhere so we could talk in solitude. In peace.

We went to a nearby park and spent about three hours talking. He gave me a lengthy explanation of why we couldn’t be together and I agreed, considering I cited the same reasons to him just three weeks back. I met Charles three months after he had moved to my city from Europe and so much time down the line, he was still unsure of his decision. Further, when he had moved, he had a career objective to fulfill that didn’t account for getting into a serious relationship. He said that all this had caused a disturbance in his mind. But the biggest cause of distress, according to Charles, was that he couldn’t stomach the thought of “hurting the sweetest girl he had ever met.” I remember he said to me: “I will never ever meet another girl like you, and if you ever hear that I said that about another girl, then know I am lying.”

It was a very heartfelt three hours of my life that I will never forget. It was a bittersweet ending to a perfect relationship at the worst possible time. But we both agreed we had to let it go. Charles said the turning point for him was when his brother met me and spent time with me, he told him: “Do what you will in your life but don’t ever hurt her. She’s the last person on Earth to deserve that.”

Charles asked me as we got ready to say our final goodbyes if we could still be friends. I refused. I could never be friends with someone I cared for so much. He gave me a hug, got out of my car and drove off.

I only cried after he left my car, but they were tears of sadness, not hurt. I knew our time was up and I was completely accepting of the break up. It was the right thing for us both.

But the worst was yet to come.

Kisses and hugs,

It's Not Me, It's You. No, Really. - Part 1

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 12:37:32 -0500

My dearest readers, welcome back. I have missed you.

Once Charles and I had gotten over the awkward first stage of our relationship with a few minor glitches here and there, we couldn’t have been happier. With time, I had come to realize that he was everything I wanted in a man and more. He was funny, smart, extremely handsome, came from a great family, successful, social, loving, compassionate and the list goes on. I often caught myself wondering how I ended up with such a great guy. I think there’s a part of me that always feels like I don’t deserve it.

I mentioned in my earlier post that I always felt that I was more invested in our relationship than Charles was but at this point, we had been together for seven months and the scales had finally tipped off in balance. I was still a little more caring than he was, but that’s just how I am as a person with everyone in my life. Charles and I only had one problem that I was strongly in denial over and in retrospect is what I think dragged on our relationship further than it should have. When I was upset over something, I could never confront him. I had spent my entire relationship with TF screaming at the top of my lungs and I hated being that person. When I got with Charles, I promised myself I would never let myself get to that state. But I was so paranoid that it put me in a state of completely shutting up, creating an angelic peace of mind for him at all times. I let go too easily of my rights in our relationship. Way too easily.

When I finally mustered up enough courage to speak to Charles, it always went smoothly. In a way, I found that my excessive silence was productive because whenever I did confront him, it was so rare and peaceful that it didn’t strain the smooth sailing nature of our relationship. And this made me comfortable. I knew that if I was ever truly bothered about anything, it would eventually come out in a mature, calm manner, and Charles responded so well to it. He had even told me that he’s the type of guy who doesn’t like anger and yelling in a relationship problem and that he prefers that both parties calmed down before talking to each other about it. Despite my feisty nature, I had found a way for us to deal with conflict that suited us both. What more could I have wanted?

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Charles. Even though I didn’t love him yet, and I didn’t feel insane butterflies in my stomach with him, I knew he was comfortable. I knew he would be able to make me happy forever and that we could withstand the test of time. He was mature and responsible and not the type of guy to get into a relationship just for the heck of it. Though TF and I had the crazy chemistry, everything about us was wrong. With Charles, it was the opposite. We liked each other enough to want to be together, but we were able to handle a real relationship too. Somehow though, it was only a matter of time before reality truly struck and I began to realize that while he was a good guy, he wasn’t interested in getting married any time soon. I remember that he had moved into a new place with his best friend in the street right behind mine and as housewarming present to them both, I had gotten them a home theater system. He had a very difficult time accepting it, and I began to wonder if he was feeling guilty because he had already known we weren’t going to last together. Many other things gave me this indication and knowing that I had wanted a future with him, I decided to finally break my silence and express my concerns.

About four days before Valentine’s Day in 2010, I met with Charles on a weekday evening and talked to him. Very rationally and very calmly, I said: “I can’t believe I’m actually saying this to you, but I don’t think we should be together anymore. You’re a great guy and we have an amazing relationship, which is why this is so weird for me. People usually break up when things are going bad, not well. But we want different things and there’s no point in us being together when we want opposite paths. We’re both just going to get hurt.” Charles was shocked and upset and confused. He refused to have the conversation with me and kept repeating over and over that he didn’t want to lose me. I was going to travel that weekend and I urged him to take some time and really think about it while I was away, but he refused. “I have nothing to think about. I don’t want to lose you. There’s nothing else for us to discuss,” he assured me. I insisted that he should still take some time while I was away and think and that if he needed more time to think about it when I had gotten back, I would be happy to give it to him. I was very much “in like” with Charles and the last thing I had wanted was to let him go. But even more, I didn’t want to see myself inevitably get hurt in a dead-end relationship.

The next week when I returned, I asked Charles if he had wanted to spend some more time thinking about it and he said that he knew for sure he didn’t want to let me go. He later surprised me with a very nice present and things seemed to be perfect between us. It was the first time he had made the effort to get me a romantic present and I was deeply touched. That week, his brother and best friends had flown in from out of town and were going to spend two weeks with him. I had a great time with all of them and they repeatedly said to me: “You’re the one. You’re the girl for Charles. It’s you.” And hearing that from the closest people to his heart only made me happier.

On the second to last day before his friends left, Charles and I made plans to go out that night so I could spend time with them before they headed out. I was going to stop by and see some friends first in a nearby restaurant then go meet them. We spoke at 8:00 p.m. that Wednesday night and agreed that I would give him a call after I left the restaurant to find out where he was and go meet him. That night I was with Adrianna and we were going to meet some of her friends. We parked the car at 8:45 p.m. and Adrianna got a call from her friend Nadine already seated inside at the restaurant.

Adrianna looked confused as Nadine said things to her she couldn’t grasp. She kept looking at me and I knew that something was off. Once she hung up, she looked at me and said: “Okay, I need to tell you something, but please don’t freak out because it makes no sense. You know Charles’s friend Rose? Apparently she knows Nadine and was just sitting inside with Nadine and the rest of them. Nadine told Rose that you know her through your boyfriend Charles and Rose responded by saying: ‘Hmmm, funny DS would say that. Charles is my boyfriend,’ before getting up to leave, claiming she was off to meet with Charles.”

My heart began pounding. It was the last thing I would have expected for Charles to be two-timing me with another girl. But the problem was that the story made no sense at all. If Rose really had said that, she would not have been so oblivious to the fact that Nadine had just told her Charles was my boyfriend and wouldn’t have just walked off with a smile without a care in the world. Additionally, Nadine had never been in the picture. In our seven months of dating, I had only seen her twice and as far as I knew, she was only Charles’s friend from an extended social circle. All his friends and even his two brothers and his sister all knew me as Charles’s girlfriend. There was no way anyone else was in the picture because I saw Charles almost every night of the week. It was all too weird.

Over the next hour as I sat in the restaurant, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to panic or not. I was definitely upset, but way too confused to begin to make sense of what happened. I tried calling and texting Charles to see where we would meet, but he didn’t respond. This only enflamed my panic state. I asked Pixie to call him and ask to meet him to say bye to his friends too, but he blew her off and insisted she could see them later. She messaged me saying: “Sorry DS, your boyfriend is being sketchy.” I continued to wear a smile on my face throughout the evening while socializing with everyone even though I was breaking down inside. I tried to blow off my cynical side and wait to hear an explanation from him, but I couldn’t. I knew something was wrong and it was killing me.

Charles returned my calls that night four and a half hours after I had initially tried contacting him. I was quiet. When he asked what was wrong, I told him that I didn’t like that he ignored my calls when we had plans to meet. He defensively said: “My phone wasn’t near me all night and the place was loud. Come on DS, I picked up your best friend’s call, why would I intentionally ignore you?” I wasn’t convinced of what he was saying but I decided to let it slide just until his friends had left two days later. It wouldn’t make a difference when we talked about it and since what happened with Rose was all too ridiculous to be true, I decided there was no point in ruining his last two nights with his friends and his brother.

The next day we all went out for dinner and Rose came along too. I left early and Rose stayed behind up, though Charles said that she was leaving too and was just waiting for her car to come through the valet. I also ignored it that night and the next day, a Friday night, Charles and I drove his friends and brother to the airport, said goodbyes and left. In the car, Charles said to me: “I know you’re upset, let’s go have coffee somewhere.” We talked that night and Charles assured me that I had no reason to be upset. In fact, he was so convinced that he had done nothing wrong that he made me feel stupid for even making a fuss. He turned it into “I didn’t do anything wrong and I apologized anyway. If you want to believe me, go ahead. If not, it’s up to you, but I didn’t do anything wrong.” I was still entirely confused about the Rose scenario but it was so absurd that I decided not to mention it at all. Having successfully made me feel like a complete idiot and too much of a cyan, I also dropped the issue that night and we made peace.

On Sunday afternoon at work, I got an e-mail from Charles. As soon as I saw the e-mail, my heart skipped a beat. It was unusual for him to e-mail me as opposed to texting me, which indicated something was off.

Charles: “What are you doing tonight?”

Me: “Oh, I’m free, what did you have in mind?”

Charles: “I wanna talk to you about something.”

Me: “Don’t freak me out. What’s going on?”

Charles: “No don’t worry, nothing’s wrong. I just really feel like going for a walk with you and talking.”

I read those words and I knew. Charles was going to break up with me tonight.

To be continued…

Divorce 2.0: Did Our Generation Kill Marriage?

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 15:28:00 -0500

My dearest, loveliest readers. Welcome back.

Today’s post is a topic that has been on my mind for as long as I can remember. Once I realized that love and marriage weren’t as pretty as Disney had painted it to be, I started seeing marital problems around me like sand in the Middle Eastern desert. The more exposed I became, the more complicated, the deeper and the weirder the problems got. The strangest thing about it though was that all these problems stemmed out of people I had always considered “normal” in my eyes and I would have never expected such behavior to come from.

The more I saw, the more curious I grew to understand why these things happened. And then I started noticing that the way our parents told us about their marriage tales seemed like a story from the 1850s. Somehow, the ease and quality of marriages in our parents’ generation didn’t seem to translate with us. It somehow felt as if getting married, having a good (or decent) marriage and making it last was far easier with our parents than it is for us. In fact, it almost seems as if this has become an impossible thing with us. That those who do end up getting married and having a good marriage are the exception, not the rule.

But the question is why? Why do we seem to have drifted so far apart from what our parents had growing up? Why was marriage an easier deal for them than it is for us? The difference between us and them getting married is not a huge difference in terms of time - at most, it is twenty to thirty or even forty years. While this is a growing trend around the world, I find it particularly interesting in our culture because our society promotes the idea of early marriage. It is ironic in that sense when you have a society that preaches early marriages, yet you find that the majority of those who are single are saying they have no interest in getting married or have given up on the idea, and those who are married are either divorced, separated or regretting it. While this is of course not a rule or a generalization, as there are many older couples that are unhappy and many younger ones that are extremely happy, I am basing this discussion on my own analytical observations and personal opinions, not on any kind of scientific research.

So what’s going on with us? Have we killed the idea of marriage? Is it a long distant lost hope in a faraway land that we can no longer attain in all its glory? Perhaps. I have a guess on why we got here, and somewhat of a proposed solution to how we can reverse this condemning trend. Marriage to me is a component of three factors. 1. Chemistry/Love - whatever you want to call it. It’s the attraction to the person that makes you want to spend a lifetime with them. 2. Character and compatibility. This is the element that shows how much in common you have with the person, how well your characteristics click or don’t and whether you can withstand the test of time through patience, compromise and understanding. 3. Finances. Not their presence or lack, but more on how you decide to use them as a couple and who plays what part in providing them. And I believe our generation is at risk of lacking all three components.

Most of the people in our generation grew up in an environment which I believe is the key reason we are suffering these marital problems nowadays. For the most part, we grew up in a very spoiled environment. Very little of us had to work very hard to get the things we wanted. Now I’m not saying we were all born with keys to a Ferrari and shares in oil companies, but think about it. So many things were just handed to us, especially technology, and they required little to no effort on our part. We got used to our parents’ saying “yes” whenever we wanted something that we never learned the values of hard work, which is crucial in a marriage. Our spoiled living circumstances and our easy access to everything taught us lack of patience as we got used to getting whatever we wanted, whenever we pleased. Now think about this in the context of the three components. 1. Being spoiled made us picky beyond reason about the partner we wanted to spend the rest of our life with. 2. In hard times, our impatient nature makes it easier for us to walk away when things don’t go well. 3. Financially, we either don’t want to work and make money (this is true for a lot of women) or we are keen on spending frivolous amounts of money on ourselves, as opposed to what is good for the marriage. It is this same cause that has us expecting a false reality of transitioning from the lifestyle our parents have blessed us with into a home with the same standards. The concept of building a life with your spouse is not only unacceptable to many, but something they consider intolerable.

The second cause of where we are today is cultural confusion. We were raised according to our social traditions and values, but our high exposure to technology and westernization has left us with some of our own values. I don’t particularly think that our generation is more educated per se, but we are definitely far more exposed. The movies, songs and T.V. series that we grew up watching have influenced our mentalities in a way that cannot be denied. I don’t need to go into details of this confusion, but our generation is definitely at a crossroads of a cultural clash. We are holding on to so many of our cultural values but at the same time have adapted many “Western” values, so to speak. For example, you will find there are some people who hold on dearly to the concept of an arranged marriage, while others strongly disapprove. The consequence of this is that we have a harder time finding a suitable partner with common values and have experienced a massive shift in the dynamic of what makes up the typical gender roles in a marriage, according to our culture. Many women want to have a strong presence in the workplace and develop a solid strength for themselves, which directly clashes with the common Arab male and his values. Similarly, many men do not want to be burdened with the entire financial responsibility of the household, considering the increasing cost of everything. These are just minor examples of the effects of cultural clashes and character development in our generation that directly affect some of the most vital aspects of a marriage. And these clashes become even more problematic for people like me who have grown up in a cosmopolitan, multi-cultural environment where our potential partners literally come from all walks of life.

The above two causes have created a third cause: Selfishness and a focus on individualism as opposed to partnership and community advancement. More and more people every day say things like: “Why should I be the one to compromise? Why should they not compromise?” Even further, a recognition of certain values, like female independence, has made a lot of women feel like they no longer “need a man” to provide for them in anyway. They have somehow unlocked a key to self-sufficiency and have began feeling like they rightfully deserve someone of their academic, professional or even sometimes financier caliber, which is obviously very difficult to find. It is out of this focus on one’s own needs and priorities that has made it increasingly difficult to hold on to the very values of sharing, compromise and a partnership that constitute a marriage.

The consequences of all the above is something I like to call a generation of “dala3” (being spoiled) and “tafahah” (being shallow). We have been reduced to a generation of make up, shopping, video games and hanging out with our friends. Not only do we expect to carry on this lifestyle in our marriage, but often find ourselves placing a heavy importance on these factors when searching for our partner. “Does he speak English? What university did she go to? How much money does he make? Is she hot?” are common questions you will hear from friends when someone announces a potential partner in their lives. And while these values make for a great high school relationship and a lot of fun times, they don’t stand a chance in the test of marital time.

There are many, many reasons for the decline of marriages in our generations and I could go on forever. But I believe all these reasons stem down to one of the three causes I mentioned: 1. Our spoiled upbringing and ease of access to technology amongst other luxuries. 2. Cultural clashes. 3. A focus on individualism as opposed to partnership. Some of the things that people quote as causes of marital problems I believe are more consequences then they are root problems. For example, take cheating. Cheating, simply put, is a weakness. It is falling for temptation and the easy way out. Because of cause number one, being spoiled, getting used to what we want and and easy access to everything we want, people cheat when they are in a bad situation in their marriage. Yes, I understand that something like this is not exclusive to our generation and that temptation is as old as time, but I find that in our generation, cheating is far more common than in previous generations. Other temptations of course would include hanging out with the boys or shopping with the girls, substance abuse or meaningless relationships, while deserting the home and family. Add to that the fact that our materialistic generation lacks ethics and morals of the good old days, and a surplus of money in the wrong hands, and you’ve got a disaster at hand.

So, what can be done to fix this? While this is a long, deep conversation, I have an idea of some solutions. Firstly, learn to understand yourself very well. Know your character very well - what upsets you, what makes you happy. What you want out of life and what you can compromise. Be honest and clear with yourself. Dig beyond the surface of the clothes you like to wear, the food you like to eat and the music you enjoy listening to. Second, take some time to educate yourself on what constitutes a good, solid marriage. Forget everything you learned about love and marriages in movies and songs. Educate yourself. Understand. I don’t care if you search in religious references or you go around asking your parents and grandparents. For all I care, you can run a Google search and read some sociological works. Marriage is intended to last you a lifetime so don’t treat it lightly by rushing into it and basing it off of a fairytale that touched your heart. Do not fantasize marriage and do not be a cynic. Understand that as is the case with everything else, it has its ups and downs. It’s not something you throw away in a divorce the second you don’t like what you see or you don’t get your way. Finally, add the first two elements together and look for a match in your potential partner. I’m not saying go out and date every human being, nor am I saying that you should get engaged for five years before you get married. What I am saying is search deeply for these crucial characteristics, which you can see clearly in just a matter of a few weeks. Look for someone who is respectful, patient, compromising and brave. Don’t look for someone who tells you your eyes sparkle under the moonlight or that you’ve got sexy abs. Look for a woman with beauty beyond her appearance. Look for a man who has more value to his character than the zeros in his bank account.

As mentioned earlier, this is only an opinion piece and I am learning myself along the way. I have never been married but I have seen a lot go on around me and have taken note. I am not an expert and I do not have all the answers, but I am trying to make sense of it as much as I can. Also just to be clear, I am not judging anyone who is married or divorced or single. I have no right to. If I have learned one thing in my observations, it’s that matters of love and marriages are complicated and difficult, so I’m very understanding of mistakes that occur. And of course I am fully aware that a lot of this is easier said than done, but one should at least try to understand in hope of applying it one day. That’s my two cents on it and whether you take it or leave it is entirely your choice, but I hope that you will at least consider it.

Kisses and hugs,

The Fast and the Charmingly Furious - Part 2

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 08:14:33 -0500

My dearest readers, I hope the fairest of all days fall upon you.

I left off last post after the night I had met Sully in a way most people would consider unconventional and perhaps even inappropriate. Some would even shake their head disapprovingly from left to right as if I had committed a crime, saying: “What are you doing with your life?!” Well, lucky for me, I am not like most people.

Sully and I hit it off very easily. He was laid-back, funny and seemingly nice. We spent the first few days getting to know each other either by chatting on BBM or talking on the phone. What I liked about him from the start was that it was very easy to talk to him about anything. We could have a long, serious conversation or a casual one that put a smile on my face.

In the first few days of getting to know Sully, I had still felt a little uneasy about the way we had met. There was a little part of me that wondered if the way Sully followed me on the road meant that he was going to be an unserious guy who was just having some fun or perhaps just did so as a way to pass his boredom. I decided to put my concerns to rest and just directly ask him how he expected me to feel about the way he approached me. One day during a phone call, I said to him something like: “How do you expect me to take you seriously when you chased me halfway through the streets of the city? Do you think that’s appropriate?” And Sully said: “Look, I’m a guy in my late 20s. I went to an all-boys school, an all-boys university and am now working in a mostly all-male environment. For guys like me, asking girls on the street for their number is one of the few options I have for meeting girls. I can’t just go up to a girl at a restaurant or a coffee shop. That is considered inappropriate.”

I’m not sure if that was Sully’s way of saying what I wanted to hear or if there was any real truth to his logic. Either way, I found it pretty convincing. The reason I typically don’t mind these unconventional ways of meeting guys is because I justify it like this: If I’m a normal girl looking for love, there are normal guys out there also looking for love. And with our limited options of meeting potential partners, we tend to resort to other creative means. For me, it has always been about the approach of the guy himself as opposed to the place or time that he approached me, even if it means that I could end up being wrong. Some would say that I am too idealistic and too trusting of people, but with Sully, I had no reason not to believe him. I always trust people until they prove otherwise and this time, it was no different.

So we spent a few days getting to know each other and though I wouldn’t always hear from him, he’d surprise me with a three-hour phone call on a random weeknight and I’d find myself talking to him indefinitely, not feeling for a second that I was bored or wanted to get off the phone. I quickly developed a crush on him and couldn’t wait to get to know him better over casual dinner or a cup of coffee. There was only one problem with Sully. A few weeks had gone by, and he had never asked me out. He didn’t ask to see me for coffee or dinner, which I found completely bizarre. In my mind, it’s a very simple equation. You meet someone that you think is cute, or you find interesting, logic says that you would want to see them again. You have a desire to get to know them better in person and based on that, you’d see if you have potential of getting into a relationship with them. That is what I consider to be normal human logic, unless I’m an alien of sorts, in which case you should ignore what I say.

I played around with the thought in my head and wondered: “Was Sully ‘playing hard to get’?” It seemed to me like he was, which was an entirely new idea to my head, because I thought, “Wait a second… I’M the GIRL. If anyone is going to ‘play hard to get’ IT SHOULD BE ME!” But I couldn’t. This concept is one that I have never believed in and one that I could never apply. And every time I have tried to do it, I have failed miserably. I find it to be very deceptive, insincere and childish, and never understood the joy in “reeling in a man” with a game, neither would I appreciate being with a man who falls for tricks and cons like that. I’m a fan of honesty and being yourself and if the person you are with doesn’t appreciate that, then they are obviously not the right person for you.

If Sully succeeded at one thing with me, it was confusing my mind, which begged the question: “Is he a professional player?” I wouldn’t hear from him for a few days, then he’d call me as if everything in the world was fine. I was trying to understand him, but couldn’t. He chased me halfway through the streets of the city and practically begged me for my number, but once I gave it to him, he never asked me out. I wouldn’t hear from him for a long time, but then he’d call me and talk to me for hours, making me feel like he was interested in me and that he had started to like me. Because I assume that other human beings also have brains, I tend to assume that they are also normal in the head. I can understand if I meet a guy who just wants that “one thing” and upon refusing to give it to him, he would disappear. I can also understand going on a date or two with a guy, discovering that he’s just not that into me or that he wasn’t really feeling me, and I don’t hear from him again. That to me is fine. I can live with that. It’s this behavior from Mars that Sully was giving me that I just couldn’t understand.

I didn’t want to seem like the insanely clingy type of girl, so I waited patiently for Sully to ask me out. I thought that maybe he had been busy or that he wanted to get to know me a little better first. I dropped a few subtle hints here and there about it, but I never directly asked to meet up with him, because he was the one who chased me, so he should make the first move. I know this is a little bit of a childish way to deal with it, but I have an insecurity about this stuff. I don’t like to make the first move because down the line, if there’s a relationship with the guy, I don’t want to be blamed for having been “pushy” at the beginning. But after about two or three weeks of being patient, I lost it. I ended up snapping at Sully and saying something to him along the lines of: “I don’t understand what you want from me. Once you figure it out, come back and let me know.”

And I never heard from him after that. I tried reaching out to him one or two other times asking if I had done something wrong, but he completely ignored me. I don’t remember the details of exactly how it happened anymore, but it was something like that. I had waited on him to initiate a hangout or a first date, and it just never happened. Yet, he was still calling me and talking to me like he was interested. During the time we talked, he never gave me any indication that he was weird or a creep, yet I just couldn’t figure him out. Until this very day, I still don’t know what happened. Perhaps he just wanted a phone buddy or a back-up woman in case he got bored. Perhaps Sully was after “the thrill of the chase,” another concept I never understood or believed in. To me, it’s like, “Thrill of the chase? What do I look like to you? A FORMULA 1 RACECAR?” What I did know was I didn’t like what had happened and having him around was going to be a complete waste of time, so I got out when it was still early enough to back out without any damage.

Some people would say that it’s my fault for “getting involved with someone like that in a way like that.” While they might be right, I still stand by my unconventional methods. I don’t chase after these strange ways of meeting men, but if an opportunity comes about, I’m not so quick to dismiss it. Simply put, if you keep a little bit of an open mind about these things, you never know what the outcome could be. And if you keep an open eye over the person themselves and read their signals to define if they are worth your time or not, you’ll find yourself sometimes pleasantly surprised.

Now I am not preaching that you should go out there and meet people on the streets. It takes a lot of strength and an open mind to a high probability of failure to be able to do something like that. I’m very different than most people in this sense and my circumstances, background and personality have all contributed to my many different experiences in some not-so-normal ways. I have made many, MANY mistakes, a lot of which I am not at all proud of, and it has taken me a very long time to learn these lessons in the very difficult way, which you will hear about in the many blogposts to come.

Like I have said many times before, I do not have all (or any) of the answers. Just like everyone else, I’m confused as hell about all of this love and marriage stuff and am in the process of discovering myself, making several mistakes in the process. My advice is based on my own opinion and experiences, even though I sometimes find myself unable to apply it, and I hope that no one takes any of it as a rule. You get to make up your own rules.

It takes a lot to become the kind of woman who knows how to weed out the good from the bad. And at least for now, I’m trying.

Kisses and hugs,

The Fast and the Charmingly Furious - Part 1

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 17:33:17 -0500

My lovely readers, welcome back. I pray that you are all in the best of health.

A quick announcement first: I would like you all to share with me your experiences or thoughts on love, marriage, dating – whatever it is that’s on your mind related to this topic. This is just for pure curiosity and where I can help with a listening ear or advice, I will. E-mail me at 3aibandthecity@gmail.com and I promise to keep it entirely anonymous.

Second, if you’ve read “This Is Not a Fruits and Vegetables Market” then you’ll remember that one month ago, I started a mini-charity for a good cause. I decided that for one month I would monitor how many men I caught staring at me and for every man that stared, I would donate half a dollar to charity. To be entirely fair, I decided I would also donate half a dollar if I caught myself staring at a guy too. The month has ended this week and my total count is $24 for being stared at and $0.50 of staring myself. That means in one month, I have caught 48 men looking at me. These are not the guys that I felt staring at me. No. These are the guys I directly caught looking at me. I’m not going to go into another lecture on why they are doing this, but I will say the worst of all those men were the following. 1. The man I saw early in the morning staring at me with a rapist’s eyes from his car. 2. A guy that followed me directly to my house after midnight. 3. No older than a 15-year-old boy coming up to me at an event, standing one centimeter away from me, staring down at my chest and then walking off laughing. Now I’ve made a very conscious effort to keep my eyes to myself too and I’m not sure if it really only was one man I looked at, but I clearly remember this one guy because he was very cute and I accidentally caught myself looking at him for a few seconds. Maybe I stared at other guys too, but this one guy is the only one I remember. And as soon as I noticed I was staring at him, I looked away. In any case, that’ll be $48.50 I’ll be donating to charity this month. If you can’t beat ‘em, at least make a good cause out of them, right?

——

While chasing a girl in a car is considered to be a form of sexual harassment, I don’t consider it to always be that way. To me, it really depends on what the guy seems like and how he is chasing a girl. Before you get all defensive, let me explain through my next story: The night I met Sully.

It was maybe two or three weeks after I had broken up with Charles and was absolutely devastated. I had gotten so sick of feeling so down all the time, so one night, while heading out with Pixie to watch a movie, I decided to give myself a little confidence boost before I left the house. Even though I was dressed quite casually, I went out that night with so much confidence that I’m sure reflected on my outer appearance. I really felt like a million dollars. On our way to the mall, I stopped at the petrol station to grab a drink. There was something wrong with the cashier so while the employees fixed it, I took my drink and stood to the side. During this time, a tall, handsome man had walked into the station, grabbed a few things and walked over to the cashier. He put his things down on the counter and then noticed that I was standing on the side waiting for them to fix whatever the problem was. He looked over to me with a smile and apologized for taking my spot, clearing the way for me to pay first. I told him it wasn’t a problem and I was just waiting for them to fix the cashier. Now in such situations, Pixie is the type of friend who will make the situation 10,000 times more awkward than it already is in any way she possibly can. In seeing this exchange between me and this man, Pixie started giggling and ran out of the station back into my car. Seeing this happen, we both couldn’t help but laugh at the awkwardness we both felt we were in. I finally paid for my things and walked out back into my car.

While I drove down the road, Pixie looked out the window and noticed someone was following us. Taking a closer look, she said to me: “Oh my God! It’s the guy from the station! Please talk to him!!!” Having had my fair share of meeting guys in unconventional ways, and having just come out of a serious relationship, I refused. Pixie nagged and nagged all the way down the road until I finally gave in and told myself, “What’s the harm in having a little fun? I deserve a break.” I looked over to the guy that seemed to have no problem chasing me halfway through the city and smiled at him. I guess this was somehow the signal that I wanted him to continue chasing me all the way to the mall because that’s exactly what he did.

When we finally got to the mall, I drove all the way through the parking lot on the crowded Thursday evening, all the while this mysterious man still following me. While there was a part of me that didn’t approve of his behavior, there was another part of me that found it amusing and wanted to see just what he would say once I got out of the car. I finally parked my car in an empty spot and found the guy parking right behind me. He had no intention of going to the mall whatsoever – he was just waiting for me.

As soon as we got out of the car, Pixie, the master of awkwardness, yelled bye to me and ran all the way to the entrance. I never quite understood why, but Pixie was quite the runner in many different situations (literally and figuratively). I stepped out of my car and began walking casually towards the entrance. I stopped by Sully’s car, channeling my inner “bitch” to see just to what extent he was willing to tolerate me. He said, “Good evening.” I replied with a very cold “Good evening to you too” as I continued walking away. Sully then yelled, “Hold on!!! Where are you going?!” I turned around and said: “What do you want?” He said: “Nothing, I just wanted to say good night.” I stared back at him and said: “GOOD NIGHT TO YOU TOO,” and walked off.

In a humorous exchange that followed, Sully asked me to wait for a second and I continued being cold and asked him: “What do you want from me? Why did you follow me all the way to the mall? IS THIS APPROPRIATE?” He then said, “Nothing, I just wanted to tell you that you’re very cute!!! Wallah very cute!!!” By this point, I couldn’t help but laugh and stopped for a few seconds to talk to Sully. I said thank you and pretended to walk off again, but he called me to go back to him one more time and asked for my number. We chatted for a while and he seemed like a nice, funny guy, so I said to him: “Look, I don’t know you well enough to give you my number, but here’s my BB pin.” He added me and I waited quite a while before accepting in attempt to “play hard to get,” which is something I never knew and never will know how to do. Something I don’t even believe in.

I went home that night and was on Cloud 9, not just because I had met a new guy who was cute, funny and nice, but because I truly proved how powerful a woman’s confidence than be. I slept well that night.

To be continued (just to keep the stories nice and short).

Kisses and hugs,

CHEATER! Okay, Calm Down Everyone

Mon, 26 Dec 2011 15:53:00 -0500

My lovely readers, as always, I welcome you back with open arms.

There is something to be said for those who have had their hearts broken not once, not twice, but multiple times. If they get back up and continue looking for love, they are warriors. They are fighters and they will stop at nothing until they get what they want. And then, there’s my friends and I. We have surpassed the level of fighting into a new realm I like to call staring your pain in the eyes and laughing hysterically at it.

Cheating. Such a horrible thing that even the word sounds scary. If you have been cheated on, then there’s no need for anyone to tell you what it feels like. If you haven’t, pray that you’ll never have to experience it. It is the single most destructive feeling in a relationship because no matter what the reason was, you will always feel like it was your fault, like you somehow weren’t good enough for the person that he or she had to go looking for it somewhere else. It will also make you question whether anything the person has ever said to you was true and will always make you doubt a future companion of yours.

I have seen many cases of cheating around me and have personally been cheated on. And after a very long time of torturing myself about it, I’ve finally began understanding that cheating is not always about what meets the eye - your first assumption that the person is horribly evil and deserves to die. There are many reasons that drive someone to cheat and it doesn’t always mean that the cheater is a horrible person. Now before I say anything at all, let me make something very clear: There is never an excuse for cheating. I will never see it as something normal to do. All I’m saying, is that it’s more complicated than you think it is and that not everyone that cheats is the devil.

First, let me define what I consider to be cheating. Men and women tend to define it differently and cheating comes in many different levels. But in my opinion, cheating could be one of two things: Emotional or physical. Typically, women will be more upset with emotional cheating and men will be more upset with physical cheating, though it is not a rule. Many women will say: “I don’t care if I find out he just had a one-night stand but if I find out he’s been having dinner with the same girl for the past couple of months, it will kill me.” Regardless, cheating is cheating, no matter how deeply you define it and whether it has to do with physical or emotional cheating, whether it’s a serious relationship or a marriage. Cheating is cheating.

Are people aware of the damage that cheating can cause? Yes. You’d have to be maybe eight years old not to know how destructive cheating could to be to a relationship or your partner. And unless your partner is the devil in disguise, then know that no matter what he or she may say later, cheating is never an easy decision for them and will never make them feel good. It might in the short term, but in the long term, it will destroy their conscience (assuming they have one). So if it’s something so horrible, so painful and so destructive, why is it that almost every other person complains of either cheating or being cheated on? Have we become so morally corrupt as human beings that we wreak havoc left and right wherever we go without a single thought or consideration for those around us? Perhaps. But again, it’s a little more complicated than that.

First off, the most obvious reason for cheating is lust, desire and temptation. In today’s world, there is nothing easier than finding an easy man or a woman willing to do whatever you may please with. If not through legitimate means then through a paid service (I hear there’s some form of home delivery service now for that too). So if you’re a person of weak character, it will be very hard for you to be committed to one person. And don’t be surprised to find this out about your partner - some people are very strong in some areas of their life and very weak in others. This might be their weakness. Though in my opinion this is pure greed, it still happens.

On a deeper level though, most people cheat because they are not satisfied emotionally with a certain aspect of the relationship. This could be because of you or the partner themselves. Let me give you a few examples that would explain this better than me writing out the reasons. Men in their nature like feeling like they are in control. This reaffirms their belief in their existence and purpose on this planet. If they feel like they are losing that control, they will try to find it somewhere else. Some men will drive that loss of control into building a bigger career, thus turning into workaholics. Men could also channel their loss of control into watching sports like zombies. Other men will find another woman who “loves” them because it will give them a confidence boost. Sometimes men will also cheat because they have found the perfect woman but are not ready to commit to her. They don’t want to lose her so in the meantime, they cheat. Is any of this excusable? No.

What about women? Do they cheat too? Yes. They cheat for a lot of the same reasons that men do, but women will usually cheat because they are feeling neglected. If a woman’s partner is not giving her the right security, she will look for it somewhere else. Other women cheat out of boredom. If a woman lives her life for her husband and kids, there will come a time where they are both not around and she will be bored out of her mind. Since marriage is all she knows how to do, she will look for it in another form with another man.

So if people are having issues in a relationship or a marriage, why would they cheat? Why not just come clean with their partner and ask for their support or tell them they no longer love them and want to be with someone else? Some people treat cheating as a “get out of jail free card” if you’ve done something to screw the relationship up. Others believe that they are entitled to some form of fun if life hasn’t gone their way. More often than not though, it’s because human beings are weak in their nature and cannot face up to the responsibility of doing the right thing most of the time. In my own experience, men would rather die than hurt a woman directly. So in a twisted way, in their mind, they are protecting her from hurting her by telling her the truth. At other times, the man does not want to seem like a failure in his woman’s eyes and less of a man. Also, a lot of men can be intimated by their woman’s strength. So even though you might think you’ve left the doors open to him to talk to you about anything, he might be completely terrified of facing your strength. Since cheating is so strongly condemned in society, someone who cheats and admits to it has to admit to themselves that they are a “horrible” person and no one has the courage to face that reality. Last but not least, ending a relationship with someone, especially a marriage, is one of the most difficult things to do. If you’ve ever had to break up with someone, then you know how this feels. Some people will resort to everything else before ending the marriage, including cheating, because it’s the “lesser of the two evils.”

In my opinion, cheating is the worst form of hurting someone simply for one reason: If you are married and sexually active, you could be physically harming your partner by bringing home a number of diseases to them. And as an act in itself, cheating is not the “normal” reaction to a crisis. But cheating is human. If you’ve been cheated on, consider the possibility that it most likely is for a million other reasons that have nothing to do with you and does not necessarily mean the cheater is the most horrible of all human beings. Accepting this will help you move on easier. Most likely, the cheater is emotionally troubled and is incapable of fixing the problem in a rational way because emotions know no logic.

Whether or not you decide to forgive someone for cheating on you is your own choice. But in my opinion, it depends on how bad they feel about it and how willing they are to make sure it doesn’t happen again (which doesn’t mean that they won’t). If you have accepted someone for their good and bad, understand that this may be a part of their “bad” so to speak. And understand very well that at the end of the day, they are human and make mistakes just like everyone else, including you, does. But if you think that after years of being with someone that you could just raise a red flag when someone cheats and walk out the door, think twice. It is never that easy. Personally, I would rather be with someone who cheats and comes clean rather than someone who is “faithful” physically, but emotionally treats me like dirt and ignores me.

Because of this, I have always believed the foundation of any good relationship is strong communication. Because even if your partner is looking to cheat, they will at least come talk to you about it first. And if they do cheat, they will have enough courage to tell you the truth about it. Finally, I am not a relationships expert. I am not a psychologist nor a sociologist. This post is also only cracking the surface on cheating and its many implications. It is simply what I’ve analyzed and concluded based on my own experiences and observations. And I am somehow still trying to make my peace with it while trying to understand it myself. You can take it or leave it, your choice.

Kisses and hugs,

Sounds like im reading about my life!! I love this blog! its nice knowing that im not the only one going through all this crap with guys.. obviously its not nice that its happening to us :/

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 14:45:05 -0500

You’re definitely not the only one. Happens to most girls! Stay strong and humor yourself in the process :)

What's A Gentleman?

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 14:42:11 -0500

My lovely readers, can’t believe you’re still coming back for more. Obviously this means I’m doing something right!

Let me go back in time to two years ago on the first night I met Charles. I had gone to an event with Pixie and the moment we walked through the door, this very old man wouldn’t take his eyes off of Pixie. When it comes to guys hitting on my friends or checking them out, I turn into a creature more violent than a man would be in his jealousy and anger at the same situation. Pixie is a very free-spirited type of girl and kept telling me to ignore him, but I couldn’t so we decided to move to the back of the room so I wouldn’t end up picking a fight with this guy.

We got lost in the music and vibe of the event that night. As the time passed us, I noticed out of the corner of my eye a guy looking at me who was extremely handsome. He was quite far away from me so I thought to myself: “He’s probably not that cute. You’re blind. Don’t waste your time.” But since we had made eye contact, we both kept looking back and forth at each other throughout the night. Finally, he motioned to me with his hand to come over to him but I shook my head left and right and asked him to come to me instead.

As he got up close to me, I noticed that Charles was extremely handsome. We danced together for a while and for the first time since I had started meeting guys, I met someone who didn’t seem to be a creep. He was out that night with a group of his friends, both girls and guys, and I found that to be comforting, as opposed to just a group of guys on their own. He didn’t try anything with me, but instead just innocently danced close by to me keeping his space. I found his decent behavior flattering, and for the rest of the night, he’d go to his friends and come back for a while, then go to them. Later on, I spotted Charles’s friend taking pictures of Pixie and I, which though I found weird and creepy, I still somehow felt that they were doing it out of fun and not to harass us. I stopped him immediately and we ended up laughing about it.

At this point in time, I had built a little bit of an attitude with men. I had decided that if a guy had seen me somewhere randomly and wanted my number, he would have to build up enough courage to ask me for it in a timely fashion or he would lose his chance forever. So after about an hour of first spotting Charles, I told Pixie we should leave and go back near the entrance before we headed out. If Charles wanted to find me, he would come after me. If not, then I would be better off anyway.

As Pixie and I got ready to head out, we stood close to the entrance for a few minutes and Charles’s friend came up to me and asked where we were going. I told him we were leaving, hoping in my head that Charles had not spent the whole night dancing with me for the sake of his friend. I thought that it was his friend that was interested in me and he was just doing that to eventually ask for my number for his friend, Frank. To my wonderful surprise, the next thing Frank said to me was, “Okay please don’t leave just yet. My friend wants your number. Please wait right here - don’t move.” I thought it was a cute gesture on Charles’s part to send his friend looking for me, so I decided to wait just a few more minutes. As Pixie and I waited, I spotted the same nasty man still in his same spot and staring at her once again. I completely lost my mind and started yelling and cursing at him, which was a very stupid move on my part. The man reacted by yelling back at me and Pixie had to push him away and drag me outside.

As we walked out, I stopped for a moment and said to Pixie, “Awww, but the cute guy asked me to wait!” Being the incredibly easy-going best friend that she is, she turned around and took me back inside, away from the creepy man this time so I wouldn’t pick another fight with him. As soon as we walked back in, I found Charles waiting by the entrance for me. He handed me his phone without saying a word so I could give him my number, but instead, I gave him back his phone and handed him mine. I’m the type of woman that likes having the upper hand just a little bit, because I don’t like having to wait at the mercy of a guy’s call at the beginning of our relationship. It’s nice to have that control and he kindly submitted and gave me his number.

During the time that this exchange happened, I couldn’t quite catch my breath. You see, up close and personal, Charles was drop-dead gorgeous. And I don’t like extremely handsome men. They intimidate me because as an average-looking girl, I tend to get quite self-conscious around them. I know it’s silly, but it will always make me think, “What does he see in me?” I believe that beauty is internal and all, but at least at first sight, it’s not easy being around such a handsome man. Despite this, I left that night feeling very happy. The funny thing about meeting Charles was that I had gone out that night without a thought in my head about men. The last thing I would’ve expected was to meet someone, especially someone who seemed so decent and who was so good-looking (Yes, women get excited about cute guys too). I would have never in a million years guessed that it would happen. I had just gotten out of my relationship with TF two months before this and I wasn’t quite ready to meet anyone just yet.

The next day, I couldn’t get Charles out of my head. This was the first and only time in my life I had been so intrigued by a man because of his looks and maybe the first time I had really related to the mentality of a man and how he feels about a beautiful woman. I tried to play “hard to get” and wait a few days before messaging Charles, but I couldn’t resist. I was dying to see him again because the excitement had taken over me so I messaged him the very next day and for the next few days after that, we’d message and talk on the phone at least once a day. On the fifth day, I invited him out with my friends and I but he couldn’t make it, so I gathered up my pride and left the ball in his court.

I was very confused about Charles at that point because it was only really my second real relationship. I didn’t know if he liked me or not and felt that he was sending me mixed signals. In my mind, it’s a simple equation and it goes like this: “You meet someone you think is attractive or you might like, you waste no time in seeing them a second time.” The fact that almost a week had gone by and Charles hadn’t asked to see me again was very bizarre to me. And then, my mind ran wild with thoughts of what his intentions were. At one point, I even thought that maybe he was interested in Pixie and was trying to get to her through me. I didn’t know what to think. Finally, the next day, Charles called me and said: “Get dressed right now and come to my friend’s house. His family is having a dinner gathering and I want you to come.” Though it was such a last minute plan, I didn’t care. In a matter of fifteen minutes I had thrown on my cutest outfit, done my hair and makeup, grabbed Ellie on my way, and headed to the dinner (I took Ellie along just for safety precautions).

Charles greeted Ellie and I very warmly at the house and introduced me to all of his friends, who were as equally nice as him. Ellie had to leave after an hour or so, but I ended up spending six or seven hours that night with Charles. Frank was there too and I made fun of him for taking pictures of us that night by calling him Paparazzi, but I quickly discovered how much of a sweetheart he was and how he meant no harm. I was so happy that night because I truly couldn’t believe that I had met normal people. My cynical mind had gotten the best of me until this point, that I almost stopped believing that normal guys actually existed.

Charles and I had a great time that evening. Of course at the beginning, I couldn’t figure out his intentions. To be quite honest, I didn’t even know if he was straight or not because he was being so sweet but wasn’t showing a direct interest in me and I thought, “Maybe he’s gay and just wants to meet new people since he just moved here from Europe.” I had gotten so used to men making a move on me on the first date that I automatically associated that as a sign of interest in my mind. I had forgotten that a true gentleman would treat a woman with respect and kindness the way Charles did. By the time the dinner had ended though, I was sure that Charles was interested in me. The eye contact we had, the laughter in our conversation and the comfortable chemistry we felt for one another was nothing I had ever experienced before. We quickly discovered how much we had in common and I found his stories interesting, smart and only made me want to get to know him better. I also loved the fact that he was of Arab origin but was raised abroad because it made me believe that I could relate to him having come from a similar background. I have to admit though that I had a hard time keeping my focus on what he was saying since I was so overwhelmed by his beauty, but all in all, I was completely lovestruck. (Men, I really know how it feels to be around a beautiful woman now!)

I couldn’t have asked for more as I finally headed back home that night. I dropped Charles home that night as the sun cracked its way through the sky and slept with such joy in my heart that I never thought to be possible. I didn’t want to get ahead of myself, but I think there’s a little part of me that had started picturing our wedding after that day.

Kisses and hugs,